Rugby Song Lyrics

Here are the FIRST & LAST verses

of each song on Vol 1 & 2

The LOBSTER

Oh Mr Fisherman back from the sea,
Have you a lobster you can sell to me ?

Chorus ;
Singing roll tidly oh, shit or bust,
Never let your bollocks dangle in the dust.

Another end to my story, I don’t give a fuck,
There’s an orange up my arsehole – you can have a suck.
Chorus…..

THE ALPHABET

A is for ARSEHOLE all covered in shit, Hey Ho Said Roley,
And B is the BASTARD who revels in it,

Chorus ;
With a Roley Poley up ’em and stuff ’em
Hey Ho ! said Anthony Roley.

W is a Whore who thinks FUCKING’S a FARCE,
Hey Ho Said Roley, and X, Y & Z you can STUFF UP your arse,
Chorus……

THE ENGINEER

An engineer told me before he died,

Chorus ;
A Hum – Titty Bum, Titty Bum, Titty Bum,
A Hum – Titty Bum, Titty Bum, Titty Bum.
An engineer told me before he died,
And I’ve no reason to believe he lied,
Chorus

He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
Chorus

The moral of the story is,
Chorus
The moral of the story is,
Always fit a safety switch.
Chorus……

BALLS OF KERRYMUIR

Four & twenty virgins came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over there was four and twenty less.

Chorus ; Balls to your partner, arse against the wall,
If you never get fucked on a saturday night,
You’ll never get fucked at all.

And when the ball was over, everyone confessed,
They all enjoyed the dancing, but the fucking was the best.
Chorus …..

WHOREDEAN

We are from Whoredean, good girls are we,
We take a pride in our virginity,
We take precautions, Like having abortions,
For we are from Whoredean school.

Chorus ; Up school, Up school, Up school,
Right Up School, SHIT !
La dee da, two fingers up your crutch,
La dee da, three fingers are too much. Hey !

Our Headmistress, you cannot beat,
She lets us go out walking the street,
We sell our titties, for threepenny bitties,
For we are from Whoredean school.
Chorus……

RING THE BELL VERGER

Chorus ;
Ring the bell Verger, ring the bell ring,
Perhaps the congregation
will condescend to sing,
Perhaps the village organist, sitting on his stool,
Will play upon the organ and not upon his tool.

Ocean liner, nine days late,
Stoker stoking Stoker’s mate,
Captains voice comes down the wire,
Stop stoking mate and start stoking fire.
Chorus…..

BARNACLE BILL

Who’s that knocking on my door ? (3 times)
Cried the fair young maiden.
It’s only me from over the sea said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. (twice)

What if there’s a baby born (3 times)
Cried the fair young maiden.
We’ll drown the bugger and fuck for another,
Cried Barnacle Bill the Sailor. (twice)…..

THRASHING MACHINE

‘Twas way down in Devon that I did hear tell,
I first set my eyes on our little Nell,
She was so pretty and only sixteen,
When I ups and I shows ‘er my Thrashing Machine.

Chorus
I ‘ad ‘er, I ‘ad ‘er, I ‘ad ‘er I ay,
I ‘ad ‘er, I ‘ad ‘er, I ‘ad ‘er I ay,
I ‘ad ‘er by night and I ‘ad ‘er by day,
And I ups and I shows ‘er the West Country way.

Nine months later all has gone well,
A new little babe for our little Nell,
And under his nappy can clearly be seen,
A brand new two cylinder Thrashing Machine.
Chorus…..

DINAH

A rich girl rides a limousine,
A poor girl rides a truck,
But the only ride that Dinah gets,
Is when she has a fuck.

Chorus ;
Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
Show us your leg, show us your leg,
Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
A yard above your knee.

A rich girl wears a ring of gold,
A poor girl one of brass,
But the only ring that Dinah has,
Is the one around her arse.
Chorus…..

CATS

When you wake up in the morning
& you’re feeling rather coy,
Your missus has a headache and you cannot get no joy,
So you stuff it up the arsehole of your second eldest boy,
As you revel in the joys of fornication.

Chorus ;
Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles,
Cats with syphilis, cats with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

Now the camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Chorus…….

IN MOBILE

All the eagles they fly high in Mobile, (mow-beel)
repeat
All the eagles they fly high, and they shit right in your eye,
Its a good job cows don’t fly in Mobile.
Chorus ;
In Mobile, in Mobile, in mo,
in mo, in mo, in Mobile,
(repeat last 2 lines of verse)

There’s a Jew by the name of Cohen in Mobile,
repeat
There’s a Jew by the name of Cohen,
To the Christian Church he’s going,
‘Cos his foreskin keeps on growing in Mobile.
Chorus……

BLACK BULL

The big black bull came down from the mountain,
Houston Sam Houston,
The big black bull came down from the mountain
Long time ago

Chorus ;
It was a long time ago – o – o,
A long time ago – o – o,
(repeat first line of verse)
Long time ago.

His head hung low but his balls hung lower,
Houston Sam Houston,
His head hung low but his balls hung lower, long time ago.
Chorus…..

ALLUETTE

Chorus ;
Alluetta, jaunty Alluetta,
Alluetta, jaunty plumerie.

1st person: “How I love your stringy hair,”
reply : “How I love your stringy hair,”
1st person : “Your stringy hair,”
reply : “Your stringy hair,”
* repeat here any previous verses *
1st person : “Alluette ! ”
reply : “Alluette ! Oh….
Chorus…..

THREE GERMAN OFFICERS

Three German Officers crossed the line,
Parlez-vous,
Three German Officers crossed the line,
Parlez-vous,
Three German Officers crossed the line,
They fucked the women and drank the wine,
Inky, pinky parlez-vous – o – o.

The little white bugger he went to hell,
He shagged the devil and his wife as well……

ALL QUEERS TOGETHER

The sexual life of a camel, is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger the sphinx,
But the sphinx with the wisdom of Allah,
Fills his arse with the sands from the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the sphinxs’ inscrutable smile.

1st Chorus ;
Singing Bum Titty, Bum Titty, Titty Bum,
Bum Titty Bum Titty ay,
Singing, Bum Titty, Bum Titty, Titty Bum,
Singing, Bum Titty Bum Titty ay.

‘Twas Christmas night in the harem,
The Eunuchs were standing there,
Watching the fair young maidens, combing their pubic hair,
When the voice from the Sultan
Came echoing through the hall,
Saying what do you want for Christmas,
And the Eunuchs all answered BALLS.
2nd Chorus……

SING US ANOTHER ONE

There was a young lady from Itching,
Sat scratching her crutch in the kitchen,
Her Mother said, “Rose, it’s pox I suppose,”
She said, “Bollocks, get on with your knitting.”

Chorus ;
That was a beautiful song,
Sing us another one,
Just like the other one,
Sing us another one do.

There was a young girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was covered in sores,
All the dogs in the street, would lick the green meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
Chorus……

NO BALLS AT ALL

Come you old drunkards give ear to my tale,
This short little story will make you turn pale,
Its about a young lady, so pretty and small,
Who married a man who had no balls at all.

Chorus:
No balls at all, no balls at all,
(last line of verse)

The night of the wedding she leapt into bed,
Her breasts were a-heaving; her legs were well spread,
She reached for his penis, his penis was small,
She reached for his balls; he had no balls at all.
Chorus…..

KATHUSALEM

In days of old there lived a maid,
She was the mistress of her trade,
A prostitute of high repute, the harlot of Jerusalem.

Chorus:
Hi Ho Kathusalem, Kathusalem, Kathusalem,
Hi Ho Kathusalem, the Harlot of Jerusalem.

It was a fact, she had a crack,
With hair so thick it could contract,
To fit the tool of any fool, who fucked in all Jerusalem.
Chorus……

JOHN BROWN

John Brown’s prick was a fucking awful sight,
Mucked about with gonorrhoea and buggered up with shite,
The agonies of syphilis kept him awake all night,
But he still went rogering along.

Chorus:
Oh the hoary old seducer
Oh the hoary old seducer
Oh the hoary old seducer
He still went rogering along

The colour of his water was a sort of orange-ade,
Little gonorrhoea germs within his scrotum played,
In spite of inconveniences, he went on undismayed,
Yes he still went rogering along.
Chorus……

DRIVE IT ON

I gave her inches ONE and drove it on,
I gave her inches ONE and drove it on,
I gave her inches ONE, she said, “Honey, this is fun,
Put your belly close to mine and drive it on.”

I gave her inches TWO and drove it on,
I gave her inches TWO and drove it on,
I gave her inches TWO, she said, “Honey, I love you,
Put your belly close to mine and drive it on.”…….

GOOD SHIP VENUS

‘Twas on the good ship Venus,
My God you should have seen us,
The figure-head was a whore in bed,
And the mast was a rampant penis.

Chorus
Frigging in the rigging, tossing on the crossing,
WANKING on the planking,
There was fuck all else to do.

The captain’s name was Slugger, he was a dirty bugger,
He wasn’t fit to shovel shit, from one place to another.
Chorus…..

FUCK ‘EM ALL

FUCK ’em all, fuck ’em all, fuck ’em all,
The long and the short and the tall,
FUCK all the blond cunts and all the brunets,
don’t be to choosy, just fuck all you gets,
‘Cause we’re saying goodbye to them all,
As back to the barracks we crawl,
You’ll get no erection at short-arm inspection,
So prick up you men, fuck ’em all.

FUCK ’em all, fuck ’em all, fuck ’em all,
The long and the short and the tall,
FUCK all the cunts ’til you break it in two,
You’ll get no loving where you’re going to,
‘Cause we’re saying goodbye to them all,
As back to the barracks we crawl,
So get your big prick up and give it a stick up,
Cheer up my lads, fuck ’em all…….

LYDIA PINKHAM

Chorus:
We’ll drink, a drink, a drink,
To Lydia Pink, a Pink, a Pink,
Saviour of the human race,
For she invented a medicinal compound,
Most efficacious in every case.

Now Mr Brown had a very small penis,
He could hardly raise a stand,
So they gave him the medicinal compound,
Now he comes in either hand.
Chorus……

ROLL ME OVER

Oh this is number one, and the fun has just begun,
Roll me over, lay me down and do it again.

Chorus:
Roll me over in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down and do it again.

Oh this is number two, and my hand is on her shoe…..
Oh this is number three, and my hand is on her knee….

SHE WAS POOR

She was poor but she was honest,
Victim of a rich man’s whim,
First he fucked her, then he left her, & she had a child by him.

Chorus :
It’s the same the whole world over,
It’s the poor what gets the blame,
Its the rich that gets the pleasure,
Ain’t it all a bleeding shame.

Then she came to London city,
Just to hide her bleeding shame,
But a Labour leader fucked her, put her on the streets again.
Chorus……

LIFE PRESENTS

Life presents a dismal picture, life is full of tears and gloom,
Father’s got an anal stricture, mother’s got a fallen womb,
Nurse has chronic menstruation,
never laughs and never smiles,
What a dismal occupation: cracking ice for father’s piles.

Brother Bill has been deported, for a homosexual crime,
Sister Sue has been aborted, for the forty-second time,
Even now the baby’s started having epileptic fits,
Everytime it coughs, it vomits, everytime it farts, it shits……

VIRGIN STURGEON

Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon,
The virgin sturgeon’s a very fine fish,
The virgin sturgeon needs no ‘urgin,
That’s why caviar is my dish.

I gave caviar to my girl friend,
she was a virgin tried and true,
Ever since she had that caviar,
There ‘aint nothing she won’t do…..

RING A RANG A ROO

I had a girl in New Orleans, she was so young just sixteen,
She had blond hair and blue eyes too, and she had a ring-a-rang-a-roo.

Chorus : Oh the ring-a-rang-a-roo,
Pray what is that ?
It’s soft and warm like a pussy cat,
With hair all round and split in two,
That’s what they call the ring-a-rang-a-roo.

She took me down into her cellar,
And said that I was a mighty fine fella,
She fed me wine and whiskey too,
And let me play with her ring-a-rang-a-roo.
Chorus……

WOODPECKER SONG

I put my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Take it out, take it out, take it out, remove it.”

I removed my finger from the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Put it back, put it back, put it back, replace it.”…….

THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER

The Mayor of Bayswater has got a pretty daughter,

Chorus:
And the hairs on her dicky-di-dow
hang down to her knees,
One black one, one white one,
And one with a little shite on,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-dow
hang down to her knees.
I’ve smelt it, I’ve felt it, its just like a bit of velvet,
Chorus

I’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, I’ve been right between it,
Chorus…..

WAYWARD BOY

I walked the street with my prick to my feet,
I heard a voice come to me,
A lovely maid looked out and said,
“I need someone to screw me !”
Said I, “My dear, you needn’t fear,
For I have heard your pleading,
It’s very plain I can ease your pain, ŠI’ve got just what you’re needing.”

I’ve heard of you, my wayward boy,
Your name is known quite widely,
But I can’t come down, I’m sad to say,
My door is bolted tightly.
My father is a Minister,
My maidenhead does cherish,
So every night he locks me tight, so horny do I perish…..

O’REILLYS DAUGHTER

Sitting in O’Reilly’s bar one day,
Telling yarns of blood & slaughter,
Suddenly a thought came to my mind,
Why not fuck O’Reilly’s daughter ?

Chorus :
Yippy I aye, yippy I oh,
Yippy I aye for the one eyed Reilly,
Rub it up, stuff it up, balls and all,
Hey jig-a-jig, shag on…..

MONK OF GREAT RENOWN

There was an old monk of great renown,
There was an old monk of great renown,
There was an old monk of great renown,
Who fucked all the women around the town.

Chorus :
(spoken) The old sod, the dirty old sod,
The bastard deserves to die.
(sung) Glory glory hallelujah,
(spoken) Let us pray.
A prayer for the constipated……SHIT
A prayer for the frustrated………FUCK
A prayer for the menstruated….BLOODY HELL

He took a maid to the abbot’s bed, (3x)
And fucked and fucked her till she was dead.
Chorus….

SING US ANOTHER

There once was a lady called Annie,
Who had fleas, lice and crabs up her fanny,
To get up her flue was like touring the zoo,
There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny.

Chorus :
That was a horrible rhyme,
Sing us another one, just like the other one,
Sing us another one do.

An insatiable nymph from Penzance,
Travelled by bus to south Hants,
Five others fucked her, besides the conductor,
And the driver came twice in his pants.
Chorus…..

SEVEN OLD LADIES

Oh dear, what can the matter be ?
Seven old ladies were locked in the lavatory,
They were there from Monday t’ill Saturday,
And nobody knew they were there.

The first was the wife of the deacon of Dover,
She was known as a bit of a rover,
She went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there…..

YOHO

He put his hand upon her toe, Yoho, Yoho,
He put his hand upon her toe, Yoho, Yoho,
He put his hand upon her toe,
She said “Marine, you’re mighty slow,
Get in, get out, stop fucking about,
Yoho, Yoho, Yoho.”

He put his hand upon her knee, Yoho, Yoho,
He put his hand upon her knee, Yoho, Yoho,
He put his hand upon her knee,
She said “Marine, you’re teasing me, get in,
Get out, stop fucking about,
Yoho, Yoho, Yoho.”…..

LITTLE RED TRAIN

A little red train came down the track, she blew, she blew,
A little red train came down the track, she blew, she blew,
A little red train came down the track,
And I don’t give a damn if she never comes back,
And she blew-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.

The engineer was at the throttle, she blew, she blew,
The engineer was at the throttle, she blew, she blew,
The engineer was at the throttle,
A-jacking off in a whisky bottle,
And she blew-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo…..

TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A blow job in a pear tree

On the second day of ……….
Two sweaty gonads
Three French letters
Four inches wet….

RUGBY SONG

If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I’m not, sir,
The kind of man that I would wed,
Would be a rugby hooker,

He’d hook balls, I’d hook balls,
We’d both hook balls together,
We’d be alright in the middle of the night
Hooking balls together…..

SIR JASPER

She wears her silk pyjamas in the summer when its hot,
She wears a woollen nighty in the winter when its not,
But later in the Springtime and early in the Fall,
She jumps into bed with nothing on at all.

Chorus
She’s a most immoral lady,
She’s a most immoral lady,
She’s a most immoral lady,
As she lay between the sheets with nothing on at all
Oh Sir Jasper do not touch me ! (x3)
As she lay between the sheets with nothing on at all.

Oh Sir Jasper do not touch ! (x3)
As she lay between the sheets with nothing on at all…..

KNOBBY HALL

Oh his name was Knobby Hall, Knobby Hall,
Oh his name was Knobby Hall, Knobby Hall,
His name was Knobby Hall, and he only had one ball,
But it’s better than none at all, fuck ’em all.

They say he stabbed his wife, stabbed his wife,
They say he stabbed his wife, stabbed his wife,
They say he stabbed his wife, but it wasn’t with a knife,
No, it wasn’t with a knife, fuck ’em all…..

THE TINKER

The Lady of the Manor was dressing for the ball,
When she espied a tinker pissing up against the wall.

Chorus :
With his bloody great kidney-wiper,
And his balls the size of three,
And a yard of dirty foreskin, hanging down below his knee.
Hanging down, swinging free, hanging down, we’re all thick,
And a yard of dirty foreskin hanging down below his knee.

The lady wrote a letter, and in it she did say,
I’d rather be fucked by a tinker than his Lordship any day.
Chorus……

THE MONEY ROLLS IN

My father makes illegal whisky,
My mother makes illicit gin,
My sister sells sin on the corner,
My God how the money rolls in.

Chorus :
Rolls in, rolls in, my God how the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in, my God how the money rolls in.
My mother’s a bawdy house keeper,
Every night when the evening grows dim,
She hangs out a little red lantern,
My God how the money rolls in.
Chorus

My brother’s a curate in Torquay,
He’s saving poor girlies from sin,
He’ll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.
Chorus…..

BANG BANG LULU

Chorus :
Bang Bang Lulu, Lulu’s gone away,
Who are we gonna bang bang, when Lulu’s gone away,

I took her to the pictures, we sat down in the stalls,
Every time the lights went out, she grabbed me by the …..
Chorus

She and I went fishing in a dainty little punt,
Every time I hooked a sprat, she stuffed it up her …..
Chorus